Intern fired from Auckland sperm bank; caught drinking on the job

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1991

A 24-year old man working as an intern at a local sperm bank has been fired from his position after an unusual incident last Thursday evening. The man was caught by the boss of the facility inside the refrigerated cabinet used to store specimens drinking what has been described as an ‘extra-creamy vanilla milkshake’.

“This is most unacceptable behaviour,” commented the bank manager. “I want to reassure our clients that no donated sperm was found inside the milkshake; it appears in this case the drink was spiked with the intern’s own personally produced spoof.” However, the director’s comments have done little to comfort those who banked at the facility. “I’ve been making deposits here for years,” commented one customer from Glen Innes “But after hearing this latest news, I think it’s time to make a withdrawal.” It appears this was a sementiment shared by many other clients, and a long line was observed outside the branch on Friday morning after the news of the salty beverage broke. “I’ve got my sperm in a term deposit, so I’m hoping they’ll honour all interest accrued,” commented a male customer from One Tree Hill.

Sadly for those waiting to close their accounts, the bank run prompted the branch to limit withdrawals to only 100ml per person, and by 11:00 AM the vault was completely dry. “We’ve had to call some bad loans and make some emergency acquisitions to cover demand,” revealed the bank’s director. “We want to advise the public not to panic, because we have plenty of fresh supplies coming later today.”

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