Vietnamese groper loses control of motorbike; ball sack explodes

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Karma truly does exist following reports that a drive-by molester in Ho Chi Minh City’s Đa Kao District suffered an horrific injury last night during an attempted assault. As reported by the Vietnamese-language Chanh Dây Weekly, the man is believed to be a suspect in a number of recent motorbike-groping incidents in the area.

The man, who witnesses described as “having multiple red helmets”, was driving slowly down an alley towards a female victim. As he drew level with the woman and reached out to grope her breasts, he accidentally pressed down on the bike’s accelerator and launched forward at an estimated speed of 60 kph. The motorbike crashed into a wall and the rider was thrown several feet from the wreckage onto a pile of excrement. Onlookers noted that the pervert’s ball sack had exploded “like an overripe papaya”. The offender was taken away for treatment after a lengthy delay due to the fact that none of the local residents, many of whom had been assaulted by the groper, cared a great deal about his predicament.

Doctors worked on the man throughout the night, but were reportedly unable to mend his destroyed ball sack. A source at the hospital mentioned “There’s only a 10% chance his testicles can be saved, but I don’t think we’ll be trying too hard.” The groper is believed to be the same man involved in an offence earlier this week where a woman was struck while walking not far from the scene of the crash. In that case, the victim posted a photo of a scar received from the incident on Facebook, drawing plenty of support from HCMC expats and locals, but also some stupid comments, such as “some men here are like animals, can’t control themselves for touching a ‘white, juicy’ pair of breasts”, and “can we see some pictures of your boobs to see, you know… how the wound is healing?” Unsurprisingly these commentators were called out for being the trolls that they are.

Meanwhile in Hanoi, there have been no further developments in the hunt for a mystery ejaculator that has terrorized the city. The last sighting of the unknown man was at the city’s annual Yogurt Festival, which has since been cancelled due to fears of semen contamination.

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