Singapore woman fails in attempt to break record for longest turd


A woman from Tampines has come close to breaking a long-standing record, but her 23-foot (7.01 metres) poo fell short of taking out top spot in the world rankings. “Disappointed, but also relieved,” was how 32-year old Ms Stacee Tan described her emotions shortly after her failed attempt.

Ms Tan had been chasing the world record set by an American woman from Ann Arbor in 1995, who still holds the title for longest turd after laying a whopping 26-foot (7.92 metres) monster at a bowling alley. “I’ve long believed that if I train hard enough, I can break her record,” said Ms Tan during a pre-attempt press conference. “I’ve been working closely with a team of nutritionists over the past few months,” she continued, “and I’ve been sticking to a very high-fibre diet with plenty of fruits & vegetables.” However, despite her careful diet and the support from a vocal group of fans cheering her to glory, Ms Tan was unable to break the longstanding record.

“When she got to 18 feet there was a partial detachment, but she was able to power through and keep going,” noted her coach, “Unfortunately she just lacked the intestinal fortitude to break the record.” Despite failing in her attempt, there was one piece of positive news. “While she’s missed out on the world record,” said one of the record keeping officials, “Ms Tan has been able to secure the number 2 position.”

There are unconfirmed reports that Ms Tan has now been banned from every public restroom in Singapore. In unrelated news, hundred of tourists have been flocking to Desker Rd after a typo in a Singapore tourist guide mixed it up with Bugis St.